Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
