I looked at my own cervix.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
