I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
are you so shy because you have an std?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
