did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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