I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
