it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
