so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
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i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
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Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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