No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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