God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
