This is not my ceiling
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
