I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
