Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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