Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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