oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I got inside last night via doggy door
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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