she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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