i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
