i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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