But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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