Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
