i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
