aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
