A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My breasts were aching with rage.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
