Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
