so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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