You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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