Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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