I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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