its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
