So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
