I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
