I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
