i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
