I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
