woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
