My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
