How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
