Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
