So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
