So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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