She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I forget how to act sober
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
