Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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