we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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