Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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