I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
