I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
