I hate all girls vehemently.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
