i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
