I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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