My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Randomize