I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
