Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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