I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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